The two couples have been at the dinner table for hours. There’s good food, inside jokes, and the usual chatter between old friends: vacation plans, family updates, the occasional good-spirited ribbing. The foursome met at a swingers resort — except tonight, they won’t have sex. This dynamic, where friendship becomes as meaningful as intimacy, has become an increasingly prominent facet of the “lifestyle” for those practicing ethical nonmonogamy (ENM).

The Rise of Ethical Nonmonogamy

Ethical nonmonogamy is becoming a more prominent topic of discussion, with a 2024 survey by Match revealing that 31% of American singles had explored nonmonogamy, up significantly from 21% just a decade earlier. This increase is attributed to greater societal openness and the mainstreaming of alternative relationship styles. But what surprises many is that within the lifestyle, sex isn’t always the primary focus. For many, the friendships and community bonds they form are just as important, if not more so, than physical intimacy.

Friendship in the Lifestyle

Carole and Dave, a couple in their 60s, are a prime example of how friendship can flourish within the swinging community. They stumbled upon the lifestyle almost two decades ago while vacationing at Temptation, an adults-only resort in Cancún. Though swinging was a novel experience for them at the time, it quickly became a cornerstone of their relationship. Carole explained, “Every experience we come away from makes us better, stronger.”

Interestingly, Carole and Dave emphasize that not every connection in the lifestyle leads to intimacy. “Some of our best friends we met through swinging, but we have never had sex with them,” Carole shared. These platonic bonds often outlast physical relationships, providing a sense of belonging and support that extends far beyond the bedroom.

Events and the Power of Community

One major misconception about the lifestyle is the nature of swinger events. Far from being wild, unrestrained gatherings, events like the Bliss Cruise — the largest lifestyle gathering in the world with 5,600 attendees — are more akin to cocktail parties. According to Dave, “Most couples leave the ship with four or five new friends they’ll keep for a long time.”

Outside of these events, specialized travel opportunities also help facilitate connections. Carole and Dave shared how they’ve traveled the world with other like-minded couples, including a cruise down the Nile and a safari in Kenya. These trips create a safe environment where participants can truly be themselves without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

Younger Generations and Nonmonogamy

While empty-nesters like Carole and Dave often see the lifestyle as a way to rekindle excitement, younger polyamorous individuals face a different set of challenges. As friends settle into traditional family structures, feelings of isolation can surface. But for many, nonmonogamy offers a unique avenue for creating meaningful connections.

Poppy Scarlett, a London-based polyamory coach, highlights how social events can bridge this gap. She and her partner launched a board game night, “Non-Monopoly,” which attracts 100 to 150 attendees every two months. These gatherings provide a relaxed setting for people to form platonic connections. Scarlett notes that such events are becoming increasingly popular as younger generations seek out intentional community-building.

Rethinking Relationships

Evita “Lavitaloca” Sawyers, a polyamory coach, emphasizes the importance of prioritizing friendships over sexual relationships in the lifestyle. “I always tell people, ‘Get you some friends,’” Sawyers says. “That’s the first thing that you need to be looking for.”

For many in the ENM community, having a supportive network of friends has proven to be invaluable. These friendships provide emotional support, advice, and a sense of belonging. Sawyers, who is currently single, reflects, “I have friends that I’ve had the whole 12 years. Those are the relationships that stood the test of time.”

What This Means for You

If you’re curious about ethical nonmonogamy, consider that the lifestyle is about much more than physical relationships. Building a network of supportive, like-minded friends can provide emotional rewards that often surpass the excitement of romance. Seek out community events, online forums, or social gatherings to meet others who share your values and interests. Remember, the journey into the lifestyle is one of self-discovery, connection, and mutual respect.